Saying goodbye to our baby and watching him being carried away in body bag will always be my hardest and most painful memory. I just wanted to go with him, when I think back to this moment it always brings me to tears. This moment was the last time I was ever going to see my son. I’m so grateful for the keepsake’s we have to remind us of him.
The hospital chaplain Andrea came in for a hug and to say a little prayer with us. Although we aren’t religious or believe in a god, there was something really calming about her being there with us. We held hands in a circle and she told us that he will be up above watching over and looking after us and his future sibling.
We left the hospital and I remember walking out of those doors felt like I was looking at the world through different eyes. We passed new parents and the father was swinging the baby around roughly in the car capsule. I just looked towards the ground and kept walking. I truly hope they know how lucky they are and that they appreciate their baby. They’re truly the greatest miracle and after seeing what a woman is capable of doing with her body, I have more admiration and appreciation.
Sitting in the car felt very strange and we were missing the most exciting person in our lives and we had no due date to look forward to anymore, it was all over. We went straight to a kebab shop and then began the journey home. I just cried and cried because we were moving forward with our lives and leaving our son behind. The feeling is so hard to explain but I guess it is what a broken heart feels like. Half of my heart is here with me surviving, and the other half is now in the stars with Lenny.
Lots of text messages were coming through which was keeping me busy and it was so good to feel that love from everyone when all I felt was guilt and pain. Our closest friend rang us and couldn’t speak through his tears, I knew that this was how life was going to be for us now. We are the unlucky ones that have lost their baby and no one really knows what to say to us.
We arrived home to a massive bunch of flowers from my husband’s work place. The song I played when we got home was ‘You’re gonna live forever in me’ by John Mayer. We unpacked our bags and Lenny’s keepsake’s and were asked to pop in to see my boss and work colleagues. We were gifted a big bag of wine and treats. It was exactly what we needed, everyone felt like family and still do. One by one they came into the room to give my husband and I a big hug. There were lots of tears and I’ll forever be grateful for the support we were shown. That night we slept for what felt like forever and I was so drained but also relieved my family would be here the next day.
