The last thing you think about is the worst that could happen, until it does happen.
I remember saying to myself over and over “no, no, no” and looking at the doctors face and then back to my midwives face trying to make sense of it all. How could i make sense of the fact that my baby had died. I was well past the 12 week ‘safe’ zone and past the 6 month mark. The doctor touched me on the shoulder and said “I am sorry for your loss” and wheeled his ultrasound machine away.
My midwife called my husband straight away who was still at work.
I’ll never forget the expression on my husbands face when he arrived. His heart was broken. He was so confused and just wanted to sit with me and hold me. I held him tight and told him that I am so sorry. I had these horrible thoughts and started blaming myself and calling myself a failure. I felt like i had let everybody down. I had a job to do, to grow this baby, to keep him safe and bring him into the world healthy. A woman’s body is built to do this but mine had let me down.
My midwife came in to the room a little while later and told us that we could drive 2 hours to the nearest big hospital that afternoon but i wouldn’t be induced until lunch time the next day so we decided to sleep in our own bed that night and travel in the morning. It felt this way we had a little more time to mentally prepare ourselves to meet our little boy. A bittersweet day ahead! I gave my midwife a big hug before we left. I truly hope she never has to experience another baby loss again.
Once we were in the car, our first phone call was to my mum and dad. My husband held my hand as i told them our horrible news and i surprisingly held myself together. I felt like i had to be strong for everyone. They were absolutely shattered, I’ll never forget this phone call. Before I had a chance to call my brother they had passed the news on. By the time we called him, he had enough time to process the news and the pain in his voice was over whelming. I’ve never heard his voice so broken, It hurt my heart. I felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so my husband called his parents. They were speechless and shocked, as were both his brothers. My sister in-law knew something was wrong as I had told her earlier in the day that Lenny was quiet. She hadn’t heard from me in hours and she knew straight away that something was wrong when my husband called her.
We arrived home from the hospital which felt more empty than normal. I packed a hospital bag and went through Lenny's belongings to find the perfect blanket for him. I got ready to have a shower and looked at myself in the mirror, I looked like a ghost, the colour in my face had drained away. My baby belly would be gone by this time tomorrow and suddenly all of my emotions started building up in my throat. I was crouched on the floor and the pain was almost too much to cope with.
That night I went to sleep humming..
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
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