It was about 2.30pm. I had the song 'I am woman' in my head. I had taken my first two induction pills an hour ago and had a sharp pain in my stomach like I needed to go to the toilet. A sign for me that I’m stressed or nervous has always been shown this way. I went into the toilet and barely made it before my stomach dropped, yellow acid poured out of me. The nurse told me this was a side effect of the pills. If I knew that this medication would have such a long lasting and life changing effect on my body I would have asked for an alternative. Following this sudden bowel movement an IV line was placed into the back of my hand, ready for morphine or pain relief if and when needed.
I sat on the bed and read through various pamphlets which were given to me, amongst this pile was a package that allowed foot and hand prints to be taken of my little boy once he arrived and would provide an everlasting memory of how precious he is, this immediately brought a smile to my face. I came across a card that had information about a refrigerated bassinet and wasn’t sure how I felt about it so I pushed it aside. Lots of beautiful text messages were still coming through on our phones which kept us occupied. A lot of people had no idea that I had to go through labour, I had to explain that I am treated just as anyone else is with a healthy and active baby. There was always the option of a C-section but I did not feel this was the right option as I was already suffering enough and didn’t want the months of extra recovery and pain that may have come along with this. There were still lots of friends and family who were hoping for a miracle and that this was all a mistake and that Lenny was okay, this included both my partner and I.
A second dose of white pills were given to me at 4.30pm. I remember very clearly when these pills kicked in and I asked for some panadol and a heat pack. We were playing the music channel on TV, I was rocking back and forth on the bed to some songs which seemed to help me loose focus and ease some of the pain. The pill continued to wreak havoc with my body causing me to be in an out of the toilet on a regular basis. After my third dose of pills I just felt like crying, my bottom felt like somebody had attacked it with a blow torch and I was in so much pain from passing acid.
My regular midwife arrived and checked in on us, she told us she would return when I was in more active labour. When my dinner arrived I was too scared to eat as It felt as soon as I had swallowed, it was coming straight out the other end. I was in so much pain.
Next door to us was a lady in active labour, i heard her scream and moments later a crying baby. I clapped my hands for her as a sign of congratulations and smiled at my husband but on the inside I was sad and asking myself why life was so unfair. I still had a glimmer of hope that when my little boy finally arrived I would hear him gasp for air and let out a cry however I knew deep down that this was not possible.
I was on the phone to my parents while I had the 4th dose of pills dissolving in my mouth however was finding it very difficult to talk at this time due to the immense pain. I was clenching my teeth but I wasn’t screaming like the mother next door, I began to feel as though the pills were not working and I was going to have to wait quite a while longer to see my little man…
An hour had passed and I just couldn’t stand the pain anymore, It was now unbearable. I told my husband that I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore. He pressed the buzzer and a nurse came in. I told her it is just not worth it, all I get at the end of this is a box of ashes. She rushed out to get morphine, I tried to get comfortable on the bed, my insides dropped. I jumped up and asked my husband to check if I had shit myself, a nurse came in and reassured me that I hadn’t, she told me that my little boys head was there and he was ready to meet his parents. I had no time for pain relief. I knew my midwife wasn’t going to make it back in time as the hospital staff were putting gloves on. I thought I’d have to say goodbye to my lady parts that day, the burn was unreal! With a little assistance from the midwife and a couple of minutes of pushing, Lenny made his peaceful entrance. 11.36pm 26 October 2017. The day a part of us died with him and our lives changed forever.
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