Our sweet boy Lenny had the most angry facial expression, we still smile about it when we talk of him. He had a mixture of both our facial features but mostly my nose. He had very light blonde hair and eyebrows, and perfect little feet. I remember staring at him and not wanting to move, but I had to finish pushing the placenta out. My regular midwife arrived and my husband cut the cord and held Lenny. Watching them brought so many thoughts and emotions, why is life so unfair? I know he would have been the best dad to him, he doesn’t deserve the loss of our son. No one ever deserves this kind of loss.
A volunteer photographer from Heartfelt New Zealand arrived around midnight and we made hand and foot prints with the ink set we were given. We were handed 3 little knitted outfits, one white, one blue and one green. I chose the white outfit because it was the smallest of them all at size 0000000. Lenny was weighed and measured a whole 36cm long. We were told that I had no amniotic fluid and that he could have had kidney or urinary tract problems, one of the hospital staff told us the umbilical cord had two vessels instead of three. We felt quite confused with all of this information, so had decided to have an autopsy done as we wanted proper answers.
We were so lucky to be given the refrigerated bassinet. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about it but in the end, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. The thought of Lenny spending his first night outside of my body and in a cold room somewhere without his parents was not an option. Once Lenny was tucked in for the night, everybody began to leave. My husband was just as exhausted as I was and went to sleep straight away. I stayed up to sit next to Lenny in his bassinet, I told him that I was looking forward to being his mum and raising him and how sorry I am that I couldn't do that anymore. I told him how loved he is and that I promise to always talk about him and keep his memory alive. He had a couple of bears in his bassinet with him, we’d decided to keep one and one could go to heaven with him.
After 4 hours of sleep, we woke up feeling like it was all a very bad dream. Our first instinct was to check Lenny was still there. We held him some more, I smothered him in cuddles and kisses and I'll never forget the way he smelt. A staff member from the morgue offered to drive Lenny to the hospital for the autopsy which was 2 hours away. We were given one last hour with our son, one last hour to hold him and remember him. To wrap him again and make sure he had his beanie and bear with him because after his autopsy, he would be cremated and returned to us in his Urn. All we have now is photo’s that we will treasure forever. No matter what, I’ll always remember what it felt like holding him in my arms and the smell of the top of his head when I kissed him.
I’ll always thank him for making me his mum and I’ll always keep my promise, to talk about him whenever I get the chance for the rest of my life.
